Maybe it is safe for me to say “I am happy”.
You might be wondering why I put words like “maybe” and “safe” altogether with happiness.
Maybe is a term for uncertainty, and safe is a term related with impending danger.
Happiness should be free from those things, right?
But for me, once people think that they are happy, then they are also at risk for being unhappy.
It’s like a shadow that follows. Like “matter” and “anti-matter”. Like two-side of a coin.
Being happy is also at risk for getting hurt.
That leads to anxiety that sometimes follows after happiness.
“I am happy, but what if..?”
“What” and “If” are two innocent words if they’re standing alone.
But if you connect them together, “what if..?” can be a very dangerous words.
It stimulates your imagination.
And imagination is limitless.
Can you imagine if your “what if..?” leads you to things that makes you happy?
You will feel limitless joy.
But what if, your “what if…?” leads you to things that scares you?
You will feel limitless terror, pain and hurt.
For me, this can be a major problem.
I have thousands of “what if”s hanging in my mind.
I cannot help but to reason all my emotions.
It feels like I’m preparing some kind of defense for not getting hurt.
If this, then that.
If I know what caused it, I can do something to reduce the impact.
But sometimes feeling is just a feeling, and reasoning things with logics just can’t help.
It’s two completely different things.
I can make some connections between them, but it seems like a false connection.
But anyway, I want to be happy.
Regardless of getting hurt or not.
I want to feel happiness, so I need to be dauntless.
Even though getting hurt scared the hell out of me.
But, right now I am brave enough to “feel happy”.